Jess Cattelly runs a swingers club. This is what actually happens behind closed doors. Mamamia When she was just 20, Jess Cattelly went on a third date that would change her entire life. Her date, 27-year-old Lawrence Jay, made a bold suggestion: let's start a swingers club. Most people would laugh that off. But Jess isn't most people. Today, she runs Our Secret Spot, one of Australia's best-known female-focused swingers clubs. The pace of Jess and Lawrence's relationship was, fittingly, fast. They met through work, and on the first date, Lawrence told her he was a swinger. By the third date, they were at IKEA picking out furniture for what the club would look like. "I didn't actually have a full understanding of what swinging, or the lifestyle was yet, so being presented with an opportunity to both grow mentally and also experience some fun, physical things. I was very much on board," she told Kate Langbroek on Mamamia's No Filter. "We really fast-tracked our relationship… within three months after that, we were signing on the contracts to take over the first club." By day, Jess was a manager at David Jones. Every other moment was dedicated to building the club, a process she kept secret from her family for two years. Jess hadn't even set foot in a swingers club until opening her own. "I didn't feel hindered, but I think it also gave me a newer perspective to be able to open a club that no one else had seen or done because I didn't base it off anything else that I'd seen before," she said. And that difference was key. "From my understanding, all the clubs prior to Our Secret Spot, were all soberly based, run by men. And I think because of that, it was a very much a man's game," Jess said. Jess's main criteria was that the club needed to be a female-focused, safe space. "I think a lot of it was guided by what I'd like and what I would feel comfortable in that environment," she said. "Being 20 as well, I was going out to nightclubs with friends, and I hated them. I'd always felt people were looking, or it was slimy." She wanted to open a venue where sex was a possibility, but no one felt obliged to participate. "I take my hat off, and still to this day, to anyone that comes into this sort of environment, it is daunting, it's hard, it's scary, but I think that nervous energy really helps you enjoy your night even more when you are able to break down that barrier," Jess said. "Women do dictate a lot of what happens inside the club and inside the lifestyle. Because if women are comfortable, women are more vocal than men are. So having that comfort from us really allows us to explore." Behind the doors of a swingers club. Want to know what it's like behind the closed doors? When you arrive, the first rule is to hand in your phone. Then it's time to explore. Inside, you'll find a speakeasy vibe, with a wooden-crafted BYO bar, pool table and leather armchairs. Wander beyond, and things start to get interesting. Think moody-lit rooms, a sex swing, an open four-bedded orgy room and a one-sided mirror voyeur room. The most crucial rule at the club is simple, but absolute: consent. Jess's key advice to first-timers is, "come looking for an experience, not an expectation." "A new conversation, a new friendship, a new moment," she explained. "Ensure that all conversations that you have, no matter whether it be small or big, start with asking if everyone's okay with something… I think when you lead, or you start with that, people just automatically go into asking for consent for even the littlest thing, like touching someone's shoulder." Jess is aware of creating the perfect balance to ensure that safety. While couples or single women can buy their ticket online, single men must apply and be vetted. (They also pay more). "Men definitely have a lot more of a dominant feeling," she said. "So being able to control the limit of how many men we have per event really helps relieve a lot of stress and a lot of anxiety for couples and singles." Navigating jealousy and the 'ick'. Jumping into the deep end wasn't without its challenges. Like most people would, Jess dealt with jealousy and navigating her limits at the start. "There were definitely moments where I didn't feel comfortable, or I had these, like icks, and I was a bit thrown by things," she said. That first "ick" struck when Jess thought she was ready to let Lawrence go "play" with someone else. "I was like, Oh, wait, I'd said yes to this. Maybe I wasn't ready for this step yet." They had a conversation, and the plan was simple: they pulled back. "We wouldn't do open play until I felt I was ready," she said. "I think a lot of people sometimes forget that just because something icky happens doesn't mean the whole entire thing stops. You just step backwards, you just go back to where you were." The swinging lifestyle, Jess confirmed, is about more than just sex. "I've gained wonderful friendships from this where some of my best friends have been because of this lifestyle, but then I've also gained friends where we have a solely sexual relationship," she said. An evolving relationship. About six years in, Jess and Lawrence opened a second club, and also opened their relationship. "We were starting to date other people, and we've been doing that for about two years, so we'd really expanded on our relationship," she said. It was during this stage that both Jess and Lawrence met their respective new partners. "I met my husband and Lawrence met his wife, so it's a nice little crossover," she said. Jess met her now-husband, Jamie, on Tinder, where she was "very transparent" about just looking for sex. "I didn't want to build a boyfriend or a relationship in that aspect. So that clearly didn't work at all," she joked. They both developed feelings early on. They had deep and honest conversations about what a polyamorous relationship might look like. "I don't think I would be comfortable in a polyamorous relationship, because I wouldn't be able to give my full self, 100 per cent to each person all the time, and I wouldn't be able to balance it well," Jess realised. The revelations on both parts led Jess and Lawrence to split. "We broke up on his birthday party, drove home together, spent a couple days together, and then he moved out. There was no animosity, there was no anger," she said. "We both understood our paths weren't in alignment anymore… Our split was surprisingly easy." Today, Jess is married to Jamie, they share a two-year-old son, and she remains good friends and business partners with Lawnrece. She believes the swing lifestyle has ultimately made her a better person. Jess never imagined this was where her life would end up from that third date with Lawrence, but she's grateful for where the lifestyle choice has taken her. She believes the swinging lifestyle has made her a better person. "It's allowed me to be more confident in myself and understand that I have little ups and downs, I have little imperfections, and my imperfections have helped me become a better person," she said. "It's also allowed me to be a better communicator, both to my family as well as to my friends." View the full article
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